“In every moaning wind I hear thee say
sweet words of consolation…
I live, I talk with thee wheree’er I stray”
Stallworthy, 1973, pp. 361-362, Penguin book of love poetry
Here we are approaching the 14th of February and for weeks now
we have been “bombarded” with all kinds of St. Valentine reminders:
presents to give our ‘soul mates’, exotic destinations
where we might want to take our loved one, tips to look our best’
on that special day …
For many who happen to be single or, in an altogether unsatisfying relationship, at this time of the year, it may lead to feelings of distress or even despair! -“what shall I do on the 14th”, self-pity -“ yet again I will be alone and lonely “, guilt -“ if only I did not…” or, in some cases, extreme sadness, “ I will never be able to have a relationship”…
These sentiments are perhaps no better evoked than in Morrissey’s,
How Soon is Now
“There’s a club, if you’d like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die”
The Smiths, How soon is Now
These feelings may be difficult to manage and negatively affect our sense of wellbeing and impact our personal and professional lives.
How do we find ourselves in this situation?
There may be multiple causes for being single – we exclude here being single by choice.
Being Uprooted
For many in the international community in this area, moving away from our country of origin, following an international expat career or accompanying a family member, travelling constantly and changing countries every so many years, may have led to a feeling of “up-rootedness” and becoming disconnected from long established dating mechanisms: family, school friends, neighbors, social clubs , church etc. These feelings may well be experienced as a break-down of ‘form’ or personal disintegration.
The increasing pace of work and the need to perform in your work environment may also leave us very little time to re-establish those connections and meet new people who might be potential partners.
Unsatisfactory previous experiences – ‘Once bitten, twice shy’
Through painful experiences, be it in our family of origin, or past negative romantic relationships, we may be wary of meeting or engaging with potential partners, withdrawing into our work an avoiding rewarding social contacts. Some people may be attracted to certain types of personalities who fulfill unconscious needs or patterns of rejection and hurt and may engage in a pattern of unsuccessful, painful, relationships.
What then are some likely options that we may take?
Prevent our mind from being taken hostage by certain feelings through mindfulness practice.
Some of us may oscillate from feeling miserable, sulking about being alone, blaming our own perceived short comings or, dismiss altogether relationships as unimportant, counterproductive or even destructive.
Address the situation by some honest self-reflection
Am I ready or willing to be in a relationship?
Am I giving myself the time to invest in looking for a relationship?
Am I meeting enough people or people I might feel attracted to?
Am I attracted to the same type of people who might be unwilling to engage, commit or be supporting partners in a loving relationship?
When I choose a partner, what qualities would I look for?
What is the right partner for me?
Some useful tips for navigating this period
Depending on where we are in our assessment of relationships we may want to engage in a number of effective steps to address both this St. Valentine ’s Day and beyond…
Organize a St Valentine’s dinner for singles – invite our friends and ask them to bring their friends…
Join a club with activities that appeal to us. Some great local resources such as http://glocals.com
or http://www.internations.org/ca
Choose a serious dating site
Internet dating is fast becoming commonplace. Although the virtual world is closer to our dreams than reality and is not without its pitfalls, it does provide one very special function – the possibility of possibilities.
In 1727, Helen Morrison, a lonely spinster, became the first woman to place a Lonely Hearts advertisement. It appeared in the Manchester Weekly Journal. The mayor promptly committed her to a lunatic asylum for four weeks. Times have changed!
We can look for support if we believe that there are long standing issues that are preventing us from moving forward. We may wish to seek help to address them.
The heart has a heart of its own.
“It begins in the heart…and it hurts when it’s true.
It only hurts because it’s true.”
―Morrissey
Happy St Valentine’s day to all!!!
Isabel and David